I wonder if it’s always been like this. If it is, what life did I live until an year ago ? And if not, what am I running away or what am I chasing ? Actually I’ve always run a lot. Always. In my life the last empty spaces are the earliest years in Buonarrotti street, when my heart didn’t know the anguish of loneliness and it wasn’t afraid in front to the immensity of silence.
Since kindergarten on, I knew the confusion, anger, fear, humiliation, and they have never left me. I bargain with them all the time to win a handful of well-being, to enjoy life. I remember the 21 meetings in 20 days during my university years, the motorcycle races from an activity to another one, and the last recent questions about why I was constantly risking my life to arrive on time for appointments that life did not change. Slow down. Consciously. Take a breath, look around, understand why I'm doing what I'm doing.
I'll be a heretic but I'm beginning to believe that the moment in which a male may be close to the truth is after having made love in a satisfactory manner, having hardly slept a few hours, having gone down in the street, having eaten a good pizza in a comfortable environment with friends. Here, this is the moment of truth when basic needs are all met. What are the colors of the world in that time? What lights? What do you want? What do you feel?
Unfortunately I have to confess that I have had very few of these moments, I have too often left someone comes to break my balls, or I believed to have to be responsible for someone else. The result is that all these people are now physically and spiritually on the other side of the world, to graduate, to grieve, to do I don’t not know what. But of those rare moments that I have gotten I have a fabulous memory, I have the memory of a crystalline and simple happiness, of to not really need anything else, not even the desire for desire, so just sitting, breathing, looking at the beauty that we have around us.
I repeat. I'll be a heretic, but I think that this story of romantic love has little to do with love and a lot with the hormones. Take that, or get in a post-orgasmic state, and see how the pleasure of a glass of beer with friends goes to the stars. And fortunately. Shall we love even our enemies? The affection can’t be exhausted only in the couple relationship.
On the other hand, even to me it seems no natural to ignore the vital impulse which makes men and women tirelessly collide. The vital impulse is not a small thing. It's, in fact, the Life, that substance which we are immersed that religions, media, companies attempt to code for us (with more or less honest intentions) and who calls us to respond tirelessly.
In the place of the world where I am now, for example, contacts between men and women are relatively forbidden before marriage. Yesterday I spent the evening with a couple who married in between 3 months and there was no embrace, there wasn’t a kiss between them, only a few fleeting caress hair stolen by car, away from prying eyes. I didn’t understand exactly what happens if a child out of wedlock, but in any case is a tragedy.
In other parts of the world, I don’t know if I exaggerate, but my feeling is that a child within marriage, it is closer to the exception than to the rule. In both cases, extended families caring for children.
Where there are strong cultural patterns people respond to those patterns, where there aren’t people responds with the satisfaction of basic needs.
In the Western world it is a lot that we are witnessing a cultural awakening that leads to criticism of the old patterns that resist time which gradually diminishing. Who keeps the power reacts by creating new patterns that are replacing old ones, and increasingly sophisticated charming and, possibly, global. Christianity, slow to create new patterns are rapidly losing power in the West, Buddhism, more flexible and dynamic, it is acquiring. The media are becoming more strategic. The criticism is directed toward the old schema and to those who don’t accept the new schema. Each of you will tell me that it is not but actually the media guiding your choices as the flowers are oriented toward the light. Television is still the channel par excellence, the newspapers are losing and the real battlefield is now the Internet. Google, Facebook, Wikipedia, Wikileaks ... nothing is as it seems, nothing is easy to decipher, but there is still enough space for understanding. To be aware of.
What am I doing? Why am I doing? How do I feel? I really want to or i feel obligated? Why do I feel obligated? What is good for me in what I'm doing? Can I do it in another way? Is there another way?
These are some of the questions I’d ask myself every day, at least once a week, but it's hard to be honest with myself, it is easier to get in line and follow the flow. The fact is that the flow takes me where someone else wants and that special, unique and unrepeatable gift that was done to us, which is Life, in this way i close it in a drawer. I have this incredible gift, all to experience it, to put into play, to understand how it works, and limited in time. I want to use it.
In the last ten days I mixed with some families from the parts of Tangerang, 2 traffic hours from Jakarta, Indonesia. I stayed where it happened, I tried all possible local foods, I felt bad, I've got tried in vain, I have had long and deep and heated discussions, I played with the kids, I cooked Italian, I spent many hours in the middle of the traffic jam, I had 2 Skype talks with a company in Hong Kong and a casting for a local television station. I studied the local culture, the type of communication that is dished up to minds hungry of references. I had to give up toilet paper. I dreamed of my mother's kitchen. And I haven’t often had the internet, but long waiting time, sometimes alone, often surrounded by people who doesn’t speak any language known to me. In this way I have been given the opportunity to write these reflections. Everything is a gift, just to see him.
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